about the AUTHOR
Dr. Greg Vander Wal is the executive director of The University of Alabama Counseling Center and a licensed psychologist. Vander Wal has over a decade of experience in collegiate mental health services.
College can often come at a critical time in life when we’re exploring the answer to the question, “Who am I?”
Students can feel bombarded by ideas, perspectives, new experiences and challenges that help sculpt the answer to that question and inform their growing sense of self. The growth in identity development we achieve in college follows us even after we leave campus, helping us make choices, find success, support self-efficacy and maintain a sense of self-worth throughout our lifetime.
Identity development happens whether we are conscious of it or not. We should all hold space to intentionally engage in this process. Doing so can allow us to have a say in how our identities grow and develop. Here are some ideas to help us all better understand where our sense of self stands and how we can actively cultivate a healthy and independent identity.
Do a Self-Check
Start with getting a better understanding of where you are. Reflect and write down the answers to some of these questions:
- What is important to me? How do I want people to know me?
- How do my childhood and family inform what is important to me?
- What are my strengths? Where do I excel?
- What are my weaknesses? Where do I struggle?
- How do my daily choices match what is important to me? Do they reflect my strengths and weaknesses? Do they reflect my own interests or other people’s expectations?
- What brings me joy?
Exploring these things should help us clarify and build insight into what is important to us. We may find that we are surprised by our answers, that our actions and choices don’t match our values, and/or that we don’t have answers to some of these questions at all! That is okay. Whatever our answers are, they will help us take more intentional steps forward.
Define Your Values
Our values are beliefs and ideals about ourselves that help guide our choices and our actions. We all have values whether we are conscious of them or not. They can be complex things informed by prior learning, belief systems and personal experiences. They can be more straightforward and basic, like avoiding danger or feeling secure. They can be prescribed by society or our families. They can be intentionally chosen and may not be intuitive.
Part of supporting a healthy sense of self involves understanding our values and living them out. Start by doing a values clarification exercise. Find three to five concepts that seem to fit you, and then reflect on how they have been present in your life.
Personal values are not a “finish line” goal — something to be achieved and then discarded. Our personal values are things that can inform our lives every day. For example, if we value something like being generous, we can work to incorporate generosity into our daily lives as we interact with our family, friends, classmates, and the community around us. It can inform how we spend our money, time and energy. Being generous today doesn’t mean we stop being generous tomorrow. Values can also shift throughout our lifetime or across circumstances.
Make Your Own Choices
Part of building an independent identity involves making independent choices and decisions. Advice is valuable, especially from sources we trust, and there is wisdom in relying on the counsel of others. However, if we rely solely on other people or sources of information to make choices for us, we lose the ability to take ownership of our decisions and refine our values.
Shifting from reliance on others to making informed decisions for ourselves is an important step toward independence. Our decisions may still align with the advice given or what our parents or others may tell us to do, but owning the decision can build self-efficacy and confidence.
Spend Time Alone and Unplugged
To know ourselves, we need to spend time with ourselves. We live in a time where it is possible to distract and divert ourselves during every waking moment. Resist the urge to do so. Plan time to check in with yourself daily about your values and goals. Make space for quiet time, unplugged from phones and technology. Use this time to journal, meditate, read, connect with a spiritual practice, engage in a favorite or new hobby, or practice a mindfulness exercise. You may surprise yourself with what you learn.
Identify Ways to Live Out Your Ideals
Knowing who we are and what we value is an excellent start. The next step is to begin living these values out in your daily life. This is how we cement these values into our identity, bringing them from conscious practice to intuitive influence.
For some values, it may be very clear how they can influence our choices, time and priorities. Others may be less clear or may not look the same across different tasks or among different groups to which we belong.
Take time to explore what it means to live out different values. Find places where they align with each other and places where they might conflict. Ask yourself whether your current daily practices support or contradict your values. When you identify places where you want to change, start small by identifying just one or two tasks or choices to incorporate into a daily routine. When those changes start to feel automatic, identify the next step to take.
When we take an active role in building and supporting an identity, we take control of the part of our lives that we can influence: the choices we make and the steps we take. This is a lifelong pursuit that can be a difficult and bumpy journey for some. It can be a complex task that is influenced by our families of origin, attachment styles, experiences, culture and societal values. Navigating identity development and other developmental concerns is a primary reason students seek support at the Counseling Center. If you are a student and think you may benefit from talking through these issues with a professional, please reach out to the Counseling Center at 205-348-3863.
Online Resource for Students
UA students have access to an online peer support community called Togetherall. Togetherall’s online community is moderated by mental health professionals and offers students a safe and anonymous place to express their thoughts, concerns and triumphs. Resources are free for students aged 16+ to use and are available 24/7/365. Students can give and get support from others as well as access mental health and well-being courses and resources. Watch this short explainer video to learn more. It is free, anonymous and available now. You can sign up here.
This story is part of the Mental Well-being series, which features tips and insights on issues related to mental health from experts at The University of Alabama.