The words “sex talk” can strike fear in the hearts of the most veteran parents. It is something we know is essential but not a topic we feel most comfortable discussing. The University of Alabama’s Dr. Melanie Tucker offers a few tips on how to have those conversations.
- It is best to not view the “sex talk” as a one-time conversation, but rather as a series of short, lifelong discussions that evolve as the child matures. So, starting to talk to your children about sexuality should begin early in life with simple conversations about body parts and the differences between boys and girls. Children are very curious, and these honest conversations can help them build healthy, trusting relationships.
- Everyday life provides lots of opportunities for talking about sex or sexuality. A discussion can start while watching a TV show where a couple are going on a date or when a character has his/her first kiss. Even seeing a pregnant school teacher can start a rich conversation that leads to an exchange of appropriate (and correct) information while strengthening the parent/child relationship. Never miss an opportunity to talk with your child about sex.
- When we talk with our children, it is important to keep the conversations age appropriate. You will answer a teenager’s questions very differently than you would a preschooler’s. Providing young people with age-appropriate information makes it easier for them to understand that sex is a natural part of development.
- Try to find out what your child is really asking. Straightforward questions might not be so straightforward. Try to clarify by asking, “What have you heard about that?” or “What do you think it is?” or “Tell me what you know about this?” These types of questions can help you to figure how to answer your child’s true questions.
- Don’t give too much information. Answer your child’s questions with short and simple explanations with words your child knows. If you have never used the term “vagina” then it is best to use a simpler term.
- Check your child’s understanding. Ask your child if he/she understands what you just said and if he/she has any other questions. Don’t let the conversation end with one question.
- Listen to your child. It is tempting to jump in the conversation and answer their questions about sex and sexuality right away. However, spending time listening to your child can give you the information you need to answer their questions while building a trusting parent/child relationship. Listening to your children shows that you respect him/her and are interested in what they have to say. Statements like, “I hear what you are saying” or “I understand what you are feeling” can show your child you are engaged and care about what he/she has to say.
- It is important to give your child truthful and accurate information that conveys your own values about sex. It is important to arm them with the skills they need to make responsible choices when they become sexually active. Therefore, it is important to talk with your teen about preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
- Sex education books for children and parents can provide a nice overview of topics and suggestions for conversation starters. Here are a few: (For children) — “It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health,” by Robie Harris (age 10 and up); “It’s So Amazing: A book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families,” by Robie Harris (age 7 and up). (For parents) — “Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense about Sex,” by Deborah Roffman.
Tucker is an assistant professor in the department of family medicine at UA’s College of Community Health Sciences and a certified health coach.
